In an ideal world… I would have complete faith in humanity, and I wouldn’t have a perfect body or perfect hair and skin because these ideals wouldn’t exist in an ideal world. ideal. ideal. ideal. ideal. ideal. Has it lost meaning yet?
In my humble 20 years of life, I’ve realised 3 important things.
1. People can be shit.
2. People can be incredible, and make you feel better than ever.
3. You really shouldn’t rely on people or even circumstance, to an extent of course, to be ‘happy’, whatever that means. It’s all in your head.
Since when was it ok to betray people? Since when was it ok to betray your friends? Since when was it ok to feel entitled enough to make choices you know would hurt other people? Since when did people in a place that is honoured for being a cosmos of intelligence, contain so many self-righteous arseholes?
I’ve had a major case of the ‘ugh’ recently. I’m pretty sure it’s an epidemic.
We live in a place where ‘facetune’ - an app made for people to edit the way they look and make sure they look perfect in photos to post exists and is widely used, by a lot of people I know. People point out and make fun of badly edited photos not seeing the bigger picture, that although you find this funny, imagine the amount of anxiety someone had to feel in order to think that in order to publish a photo online they had to edit their real selves.
In a place where people who are supposed to be best friends say shamelessly nasty things behind their backs, and often people feel the need to be something other than who they are just to fit in, even at a university level.
In a place where when someone has knowingly hurt someone else they do not even have the decency to apologise, as they are scared of what people would think, and because they are cowards.
In a place where hearing ‘they’re so irrelevant’ is normal.
Where things like ‘I’m so glad people have money here’, is an accepted phrase to hear in a club.
It’s fucking disgusting.
Do not get me wrong, a large portion of people and of life is wonderful, but that’s not what this is about. Some things just need to be said, and some people need to feel shame. It’s just not my place to go up to individuals and kick them in the balls, or change their shampoo for ‘nair’, however much I’d want to. Nah, I’d rather keep it classy and let people come to terms with the fact that they’ve been an arsehole with the solace of a computer screen. You are welcome!
You know what, and it might sound really lame and really obvious, but being nice is actually really cool. Being a good person gets you fucking far. I don’t mean being superficially nice to people, murderers are capable of that. And ‘getting fucking far’ isn’t having the most money or power. Pablo Escobar was the richest and most powerful man in Colombia but he lived in fear, hiding and anxiety.
It is people accepting mediocrity, and excusing the unexcusable that gets us nowhere. When did people start excusing cowardice, betrayal and dishonesty? And why? For fear of conflict? For fear of losing their reputation? Ok, move along dear.
Standing up for people you know are wrong because its the easy option is also bullshit. Sorry for all the swearing, I personally think its fucking necessary. When people I love get hurt, even minorly, I’m not going to stay quiet.
The ‘me too’ era triggered me, as well as a lot of friends. I’m not victimising or blaming here. But we are so devastatingly twisted into thinking that we SHOULD do certain things because other people do, without realising that actually, no, I’m not okay and not comfortable with that. The ability to realise and vocalise this is so important. There is no such thing as shame when it comes to consent. When something is right it just feels right. End of.
Sex is weird. People have it so casually yet it caused some of the biggest arguments, problems, complexities. Sex is never casual, even when it is. But people would have it with someone they met in a club who they previously ignored in the library. What is it about entering a club that changes the way people act and react? It is like a different world. Do I sound like I’ve been living under a rock? OR am I just consciously choosing not to accept the bizarre ‘normalities’ that we have become used to? Hmm, difficult. I am not condoning casual sex at all. It can be fun and spontaneous and amazing. But only when its actually liberating and empowering and appreciating of sexuality not when you do it because ‘its the done thing’ or ‘this is just what happens’. no. fuck off.
The fact that unavailability, playing games, being hugely indirect, and acting socially superior are seen as attractive honestly leaves me in despair. It's particularly annoying because I am sucked in by this too. There's such a thrill. I hate it. I love it too though. There's no winning here.
From a year of being so in control of myself, of what I want to do and where I want to be and who I want to be there with. With such control yet such freedom, it has just made university a really really weird place. I sometimes feel like I’m in year 7 again. I wrote this in July and it made me sad because I don’t remember what this feels like.
“I love spontenaeity. I love not knowing who I'll meet tomorrow, where I'll be or what I'll be doing. I love mindlessly watching sunsets, breathing in the hot, intoxicating sea breeze and feeling the wild white horses massage my feet. I could spend hours stargazing, watching balls of light twinkle and listen to the soft humming of crickets lull me to bed, skinny dipping with strangers and feeling more than alive. I remember that night at that jazz bar in Paris dancing all night with a permanent smile glued to my face and I’d never felt that happy before ever. I don't like routine, but I know that it's something that keeps us sane, and makes us more grateful for all the wonderful insanity. I love the no judgement vibes. I love that right now, I’m one million percent unapologetically myself and all my crazy and its celebrated not scorned upon. I never want to let go of this feeling, I don’t want to burst the bubble and live in reality ever again”.
I don’t even remember what that feels like anymore, and I don’t know what made me say that routine makes us sane because I’m in a routine and I feel more insane than ever. Is life meant to be a routine? Are we supposed to stay with one person forever? Or do people come into our lives as lessons, good and bad but nevertheless something can be taken from them. Even bad experiences teach you things.
As usual, this is a stream of consciousness and I don’t really expect it to flow or make sense because if I could do that I’d be doing better in class and not procrastinating by manically breaking my keyboard to fart all over this document.
But I hope that even if it wasn’t an enjoyable read, it was maybe a tiny bit relatable? If not I hope I helped you procrastinate?
h a s t a l u e g o p u t a s xxx
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